Do Not allow Insecurities To Dictate Friendships

So lately with all this time on my hands while waiting for my exam day I have had opportunity to ponder my life and my relationships. I have realized that I allow my insecurities to dictate the state of my relationships and that hurts me. It is something I would like to change about myself; my best friend recently got married, we live in different states but she invited me!  I wanted to go but wasn’t really sure about going after not having been in her life physically for some years(insecurity). Due to changes in our lives we basically interact on FB and that is not the best way to maintain a relationship; however, with her current friends who I see on FB appearing to have an awesome time( everything on FB is not real), I didn’t know where I fit in the relationship and I allowed the feelings to have so much power over my decision about going to the wedding. Not my greatest decision, we have been friends since we were 5years old and our families did everything together so she was and now I realize still is a big part of my life. I wish that I would have realized all of this prior to the wedding; sometimes things do not hit me until after the fact. I thought about the time when she came to visit me while I was in the hospital and when she encouraged me during a rough period. We were always together and I somehow thought that had changed since we are not together as we were growing up. Relationships evolve, but the heart never changes.

My own insecurities cause me to question my friendship and lead me to make a decision that I will regret. Now that I see how much I allowed my own fears to dictate my behavior, it is up to me to change this pattern of behavior. Change requires action, I don’t want to live my life full of regrets and missed opportunities be a part of the lives of the people I love. I do not have all of the answers on how to begin; my first step is to check my feelings of insecurity before making decisions in my relationships. Am I deciding not to participate because of some feelings of inadequacy, fear of rejection, or anything from the negative tape recorder that tends to come up. If I am then I want to challenge myself to do the opposite action. Now, I know that this change is not going to happen overnight, but I believe that putting this desire out in the universe will at least be the beginning of taking action to change the type of friendships I have.


” Best friends are people you know you don’t need to talk to every single day. You don’t even need to talk to each other for weeks, but when you do, it’s like you never really stopped talking”  

Good Night,



Things I’ve Learned

It has been far to long since my last post and a lot has happened in my life. Some good and some not so great, but I have learned so many things about myself. 

i just finished school! I am taking the state board exam for cosmetology in about 2 weeks, I am pretty excited about getting my new path in life started. I have spent some time working on my portfolio, and searching out my options for this journey in my life. During this period I had planned to move to Vegas and then decided against it because I don’t see a future there for me doing the type of work I am interested in, I want to be a hair stylist for magazine ads. I recently had my first paid gig and that was an awesome experience, along with my paid shoot I realized that there is so much that I don’t know about the world of beauty. I have so much to learn and I am willing to challenge myself, fall down and get back up.

Through this process I realized that I have to be true to myself otherwise I will constantly try to be like someone else and end up with regrets. Tonight was an AhHa moment for me and I must share, the path that I have embarked is one that requires you to be beautiful all the time and constantly focused on the exterior beauty. I have found this part of the art of beauty difficult, I am naturally an introvert, I love my comfy clothes, and I don’t always wear makeup. For most of my life I lived by the motto that if you are beautiful inside then that will shine through and the outside will not matter, not true. People see the outside first and unfortunately decide if they want to bother interacting with you, as harsh as this sound it is true. While I still believe that inner beauty is the most important thing, I have also discovered that the outside also matters. 

I have been attending fashion shows, photo shoots and beauty conventions. As much as I love what I am doing I have been paralyzed by my insecurities one of the main ones is not being enough. There are many other negative records that have played over and over in my mind that have played a huge part in me not taking risk and being afraid of being who I really am. By nature I am an introvert, most of my friends are the opposite and I have found myself in a constant internal battle. I’ve spent so much time feeling envious of my friends with outgoing personalities that draw people to them, I wanted the same thing. Unfortunately, trying to be more outgoing and super social tends to leave me emotionally depleted full of xanax just to make it through the night without freaking out over the enormous amount of stimulation. Today i completely trashed my room trying to search for the perfect outfit for the fashion show I was invited to; I wanted to bail because nothing fit right, I didn’t want to go alone because my friend was working the show and I just felt like everything was wrong. 

By the time I finally arrived at the show in shoes that were too high and hurt my feet, pants that I didn’t like and a face full of makeup I was exhausted. I saw my instructor from school and she couldn’t remember my name mind you I had only been out of her class for eight weeks! I immediately went to the bar and looked for liquid courage to enjoy myself, let me tell you that does not help the buzz does not last long. Anyway, I hung out with a few other students that also went to my school which was nice, I didn’t have to be alone in the massive crowd without wi-fi to entertain me while I stood in the corner and smoked in an attempt to blend in with the crowd. During this time as usual I watched people interact with each other and made mental notes, no one cares. I don’t mean this in a negative way, i watched others being themselves and it appeared that everyone was ok in that moment with who they were. Don’t get me wrong I know that people wear mask, but that was not the focus in that moment for me. I saw something completely different everyone was enjoying themselves the show and each other.

Finally, what I took from this evening is that I must be authentic self because all I have is me. I am enough and if I decided to wear what I felt comfortable in it would have been okay. I don’t need to be like someone else because I am enough, I do not need to hide from the world out of fear of rejection. Does that mean I will now be outgoing, no because that is not who I am and that is okay. I have to develop myself in this new world and it needs to be in tune with who I am. I can wear what I want and that is okay, realizing that everyone will not accept me but staying true to myself is of great importance. Too much of my time is spent on trying to fit into a box, the box I have created of how the world views me and that is not the case. Of course I will need sometime to let all of this sink in but right now I feel free! I feel confident in the person that I am, and I can work out the details but I am okay in my own skin for the first time. On that note I am going to bed…



The Art Of Positive Thinking…

I am typically a pessimistic person. Do you believe people can change? 

I do believe that it is possible to change. I am not saying that automatically I become optimistic, however, as part of my New Year’s intention I want to shift my mindset/ worldview. This morning I spent time searching the internet for basic ideas on Positive Thinking, there is so much information out there that I sort of got distracted and started looking into the idea of the creative mind; that can send me on a spiral for another day.

So, the Art of Positive Thinking, I cannot come from the philosophical angel or the scientific otherwise I get lost. It is not this false sense of believing that all is good in the world but acknowledging the negative and being grateful for the positive. How does this relate to me? How does this help my worldview? In what ways can I apply the bit of information I gathered to my life?

Well, the basic example I can think of is that although I hate where I live at least I have someplace to live. I desperately want to move like now! The neighborhood I grew up in has gone to trash and I find myself constantly trying to escape the irritants, seeing that my younger sister was able to escape makes me feel hopeless because I don’t work right now, so I am stuck in a situation that I am not really happy with currently. 

Now if I were to put a positive spin on my current situation although I live in an environment that I am not happy with change is possible once I complete school and become established. I am grateful that I do have a warm bedroom to sleep in every night and although I have to be strategic regarding parking on my street at least I have a car to escape to a less chaotic place. I am grateful that I can live with my Mom while I get my life on track…

I don’t want to come off as phony so in all honesty do I feel different now that I have put a new spin on my current situation? Nope. However, I am willing to try and focus on the positives of my living situation and see if my mindset changes. I think on some level I do believe in the Art Of Positive Thinking, I need to practice the active part more often. 

I am open…



Write more this year, that is my goal…

There are so many things I want to change about my life this year and although I am hopeful I haven’t quite set up my list. I started searching ways to put my goals before me but that was not realistic, I don’t think I will look at Pinterest everyday. I struggle so much with the new year all of a sudden I am supposed to have these amazing plans written out with full on labels and arrows on what to do next. The truth is I know what I want for 2014, but I can sometimes plan so much and get overwhelmed to the point that I do nothing. 

I have some INTENTIONS for 2014, maybe that will take away the anxiety:

I will be happy

I will take more risks

I will learn to speak up for myself

I will pursue every opportunity to share my art

Sometimes writing down the things I want to change and it all sounds hokey, I want to be a better person and I have no idea how any of this will come together. I will be positive and look forward to what is waiting for me…


Away So Long

I feel like I have been away so long that it is pointless to return, mainly because i feel as if I haven’t been here in so long. I decided to suck it up and write anyway. Life has been rather crazy up and down, some good and some not so good. I have learned a lot of lessons and discovered many different thing about myself.

I am an introvert! i am not antisocial, and I feel a great sense of release knowing that I am ok. My personality is ok and that makes me feel better about who I am. Now I understand why I need to escape from the world when life becomes draining, it is ok that I would prefer to sit at home and paint or read a book rather that spend my night than being in a large group full of loud noises sucking up my energy. It is not that I don’t like people but I can only take them in small doses, I am ok! 

Having my space and not constantly running my mouth is also good and it doesn’t me that I don’t like you it just means I’ve had enough and I need to hibernate. I am okay! I like small circle of friends instead of having so many people that I feel as if my head is spinning and my skin is going to peel off. I am okay! I am friendly but understand that when I need my quite time it doesn’t mean I don’t like you.

I have always struggled with the fact that I prefer to be with myself the majority of time and that I do not enjoy working in groups. I have felt guilty for not being a “team player” group work drives me insane the conflicting ideas, I like to do my own work because I feel like I can think and create without the buzz from the world around me; these thoughts made me feel like somehow I just wasn’t cut out for this world. I have been doing a lot of reading about people like me and I am relieved to know that just because I am quite and thrive in situations where I am comfortable doesn’t mean that something is wrong with me. 

Today I am relieved and grateful for those who have studied people like me and can definitively say I am not antisocial or shy…


P.S. I will write more

Do I Pretend to Be Happy or Shall I be Real?

Do you ever get tired of everyone pulling on you for this or that? I do, sometimes I just want to sit on my couch and be silent. Is that okay with you? Sometimes I pretend that all things are great in the world only to drain myself and eventually draining my mental sanity. It is not worth it but then again you can’t go through the world wallowing in your apathy.

Mental illness is so private, unless you walk around with a big sign that says “I have Depressive Bipolar” then everyone just assumes you are a miserable person. I have Bipolar and although I do not wear a sign that says let me be today because I am not feeling the world today doesn’t mean my issues are only in my head. I want to function in the world, for the most part I do but then life just becomes too much and I fall. I find myself missing class to hide from all the loud voices in class and then I freak because I don’t want to fall down that rabbit hole.

The hole is dark, and I feel shadows lurking down every turn. I am not afraid because I am used to the world closing in on me and feeling as if I am going to be suffocated by life. At points I want to drop out for a bit, maybe take a hospital break; hospital breaks cannot be scheduled and will ruin my life at this point. My hours are building up and I am almost done, I should be happy; I have a show coming up and although I enjoy creativity and should be enjoying the moment I am just longing for the show to come and go. I continue to think about ways that I can go through the motions numb because my nerves are on the outside and every time I have to deal with the world around me I wince. 

Today, mental health day; I decided that I would give up eight hours because I needed to get away for school, the traffic, the hustle and bustle of life. I slept on the couch for about 3hours, does that count as self care? I believe it does, I desperately want to be okay. I long for a moment when I am not struggling to breath to stay afloat in life…


Back To Life, Back To Reality…

So, my birthday weekend is over and now I must get return to reality. School has created a great sence of anxiety for me as soon as 8pm hit I felt myself return ti depression, it is not that I do not enjoy what I am doing but for the past couple of weeks I have found myself numbing out just to make it through the days.
Last week I spent a lot of time crying and begging God to give me strength to make it through the day, grinding my teeth at night while asleep, taking xanax to get through my days, feeling my joy fade away into an abyss of insanity. I want to feel okay but I find myself longing for invisibility. I don’t like drama and lately I have been surrounded by girls and attitudes and school projects and bickering about artistic ideas.
Why can’t peoe just accept each other why must I feel like I am in the middle of artistic frustration?
These are the things that make me want to work alone as an artist! My rules my ideas, lets not collaborate, lets not attempt to intertwine our ideas because you make me frustrated and you take the joy out of creativity.
I find myself unable to really eat becuse my anxiety is too high and I can’t breathe with all of you people pulling at me. It was so bad I had to tell team members to leave me alone to enjoy my birthday, is it just me I wonder am I just too sensitive? Is this all in my head? Either way it is dragging me down the path I don’t want to revisit so how am I to cope when I just want to hide in the sand?